My version of a Tolkien Talk show
by Sunsong
Summary: See above...How did Gandalf get his hair straightened in TTT? Who gets THE best looking members of the FOTR movie cast? (Do I really need to be more specific?) All this and more! Please r/r?


A/N:  Disclaimer:  All the guys (except me, Thalia, Grace and Avigayil and Camera guy.) belong to Tolkien. (Lina Holling is Camilla Sandman's, read her fics!  Krissie is Krissie, a.k.a. one of the Breegirls, a.k.a.  Losergirl1630, read her ficcies too!)

O.K., everyone looks the way they did in the movie.  (Isn't Boromir hooooot???, not too mention Legolas and Aragorn…though the hobbits remind me way too much of my little bro.)  Next, bold letters stand for **movement** ('cause my computer does that to asterisks) and italics for _emphasis_.  Now, sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

P.S. kudos to Thalia, Grace and Avigayil for all their help.

"Hi! Welcome to the Sunsong show. Today's topic?   Interviewing assorted LOTR characters.  We will start with Gandalf the Gay, I, uh, mean Grey.  Gandalf the Ga-Grey, come on out!" **Applause**

Gandalf comes out, smiles and waves to the crowd 

"Hi Gandalf the Grey.  While we all know that you're going to help destroy one of the most evil beings on middle earth, we have a few important questions for you."

"Shoot."

"O.K. then, why in LOTR does your hair look like it's been out in a rainstorm?"

"Because it has!  Next question?'

"Why in TT does your hair then look like it's been blow dried?"

"I borrowed Saruman's blow dryer."

"How did Saruman manage to take you prisoner?"

"He's Saruman the White and I'm Gandalf the Grey.  First of all he broke my staff and second of all, he's higher ranked and third of all, you call these questions IMPORTANT!!!"

"Yeah."

_Sigh._

"Gandalf, do you think that you can tell us why you told the balrog _'you shall not pass!'_

"Well, it sounded a hell of a lot better then _'go away!'_"

"Thanks Gandalf the, uh, Grey"

"Anytime."

"Now we'll interview Saruman.  Saruman, come on out!"

**A lot of booing and a teensy bit of applauding**

Saruman comes out smiling gingerly; everybody notes that he does have his staff.

"Now Saruman, having turned from being one of your greatest all around guys to a traitor.  We naturally have a few questions for you."

"Sure."

"Now, why does your hair look like it's been out in a rainstorm?"

**Gandalf jumps up with a slightly crazy look on his face**.  "Why do we only want to talk about _hair_ here?"

"Because it's important!"

**Gandalf sinks back into his chair and mutters** "teenagers."  **I smirk.**

"Now Saruman, your hair looks so messy because?"

"Gandalf stole my hair dryer!"  **A collective gasp goes up from the audience.**  **Saruman starts sobbing,**

"I'm all alone, I have no friends, and my arch-enemy stole my hair dryer!!!"  **I walk over and start to pat him on the shoulder.  Saruman grabs me by the arm and puts his staff to my neck.  **

"Ha!  I haven't lost my touch yet!  Return my hairdryer, or your niece gets it!"  **I wince and mutter,**

"He had to bring that up!"  **Gandalf stands up and flourishes a piece of paper.**  

**Saruman asks,** "What's that?"

**Gandalf smirks** "Your electric bill."

**Saruman faints**.  

"Thanks Uncle.  O.K… Camera guy?  Edit out this scene and get rid of Saruman, you don't have to be too particular in your methods though."

Camera Guy grinned evilly (Camera Guy is his name ;)).

**An audience member stands up.  I turn towards her and go** "yes?"  

"What's all that about you being Gandalf's niece?"

"Well, if you want to get all technical about it, Rabna the Red is Gandalf the Grey's brother.  One _very_ odd night he had some, ah, fun with a dwarf. (after sampling brandy)  I resulted, hence my affinity with metals, gems and mithril."

"It's time for Galadriel to…Hey!  Camera Guy, where the hell is Galadriel?"  

"She fainted backstage, something about 'too many hormones'."  

**Grinning I say **"That would explain it, especially since Boromir is gonna' appear last."  

I'm immediately pelted with refuse from all the Boromir people.  I and Camera Guy duck behind a desk (no, no smooching or whatever goes on, sorry)

**I then yell** "Aragorn Adorers, and Legolas Lusters, if you make the Boromir people shut up and quit throwing stuff I'll give you a chance at your prey!!!"  

**Instant silence and mass quitting of projectile throwing.** "Much better!"  **I say grinning, as I look at all the people either tied to their chairs or sat on**.  "I thought that would do it!   Just to make all you Boromir people insanely jealous.  I'm going to tell you that I _personally_ healed Boromir and he's very grateful, not to mention sweet...O.K…back to the show.  Camera Guy, where's Celeborn?"  "Helping Galadriel."  

**I roll my eyes and mutter,** "talk about your hormones!"

**I then say**, "O.k. people, welcome Pippin and…Merry!"  **Lots and lots of applause, as well as an immediate chase.  Pippin is immediately grabbed by Krissie.  She pulls him off backstage.  I yell to Merry, **"there are mushrooms in the kitchen!"**  Pippin's head appears but is immediately dragged backstage again.  Merry runs for the kitchens, followed by about 20-30 girls.  I shake my head.**

"Time to say 'hi' to Gimli Gloin!"  **Lots of applause.  Gimli comes out and waves at the audience.  **"Gimli!  Would you mind answering some questions of mine?"

"Not at all."

"Great!  Gimli, why do you carry that axe around with you everywhere?"

**Just as Gimli is about to answer Lina comes running up.  She grabs him by the wrist and they run backstage.  Moans are heard.  I yell, **"Guys, there are bedrooms back there!"** Lina answers.**

"Thanks!"

"I guess Gimli won't be answering any of my questions after all.  Now, our next guest is the Balrog!  Everybody, welcome the Balrog!"  **A little bit of applause**.

"O.K., Balrog, why did you try to chase after Gandalf and fellowship?"  **Balrog starts sobbing.**

"B-because, I don't have any friends.  I'm all alone, nobody cares…"  

"Sorry, people this could take a while**."  **

**Just then, a girl Balrog runs through the audience and jumps up onstage**.  

"Balrog, I like, so, love you.  I've, you know, like, seen the movie, like, 12 times.  You are, like, so, the cutest!" 

 **Balrog stops sobbing**.  "Do you mean that?"  

"Yeah!"     

**The two of them run backstage.**

 "O.K.  I don't want to know.  I seriously don't want to know."

"Frodo, Sam, It's your turn to come on out!"  **I mutter to the audience** "Let me ask them a few questions and they're all yours.  Just wait till I tell you that you can stampede."

**Frodo and Sam come out.  A lot of cheering, they smile at the audience**.  (A/N:  C'mon everybody, awwwwwwww)

"Hi!  Hi Sunsong!  It's a pleasure being here!"  **Sam looks at the audience and gulps**.  

"Uh, Master Frodo?"  

"Yes?" 

"You don't think them people will stampede us do you?"  

"Sam, Sunsong gave us her word that she would give us 5 seconds warning."  

"That's right.  Would you halflings mind answering a few of my questions?"

**Frodo answered**, "Why else did you drag us into your fanfic?"

"Good point, now what do you two think of the Frodo/Sam fanfics?"

**Sam looks at Frodo, Frodo looks back.**  "All right then, Sam, did you know that you have more fans then Gandalf and Gimli combined?"

**Sam faints**.  **Frodo starts trying to revive him.  **"Sam!  Sam!  Speak to me!"  **We try everything to revive him but nothing works.**

"O.K. Frodo, since Sam apparently won't rouse to any other devices, you have 5 seconds of warning.  5…4…3…2…1…Stampede!"  **Sam wakes up and yells.  **_"AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"_  **Avigayil, the girl in the lead of the chase starts yelling.**  "Oh Sam!  Sam!  Oops, sorry, wrong Sam.  'Bye."  **Meanwhile, the hobbits run out the door.   Assorted screams appear from backstage.  I scream, **"All people who do not have a hobbit must leave the studio!  Now!"**   A stream of boys and girls go out of the studio.**

"O.K. then, now where was I…Ahh, yes.  Time for you to welcome Legolas!"

**Legolas comes out.  The Legolas Lusters immediately swarm the stage, until Sara climbs onto a chair and yells** _"Leggo' my Lego'"!!!_  **This shout stuns everyone except Grace who comes out from backstage and ah, 'rescues' Legolas, by pulling him backstage.  Legolas starts screaming.  All the Legolas Lusters leave, crying.**

"Sorry, girls… and boys!  Now, I think that you will all appreciate one and despise the other of our next two guests.  Say hello to Aragorn and Arwen!"

Aragorn and Arwen come out.  Thalia throws a rock at Arwen.  The rock hits Arwen on the head and she dies.  All the Aragorn Admirers start to sing 'For She's a Jolly Good Fellow'.  Meanwhile, Thalia grabs Aragorn and pulls him backstage.  Aragorn's screams join Legolas'.  All of the Aragorn Admirers leave, sobbing.

"Time to welcome our next to last guests, Faramir and Eowyn!"  Faramir and Eowyn come out, take one look at Arwen and run backstage.  I start to yell after them, "Don't do it!  There are Bal-"  Eowyn and Faramir start screaming _"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_  And run for it.

"I tried my best to warn them, oh well…Say hello to Boromir!  Sorry people, we're out of time so 'bye."  I drag Boromir backstage; his screams join Aragorn's and Legolas's.  All the Boromir people start trying to get backstage.  I yell at Camera Guy "Get the Dwarves!"  The dwarves make a thankfully prompt appearance and clear everyone except me, Grace, Thalia, our friends and the fellowship beings out of the studio.  "Thanks a lot dwarves, here are your payments."  I hand out about a pound of raw mithril each.  The dwarves, after locking the doors and giving me the keys, vanish.  I turn around and go backstage…I had locked Boromir in a bedroom.   He was holding his sword warily out in front of him.  I smile and say. "Now, what's the sword for?  It's not like I did anything to you while you were helpless.  However, I think I will now collect on my payment."

            "Payment?"

            "Considering what those people wanted with you, I don't think I need to get more explicit."  Boromir looks shocked.  "I am willing to offer you a way out though."  Boromir raised an eyebrow.  "We can duel for your freedom.  If you win, you walk out of here a free man.  If I win, you don't walk out of here for quite some time.  Do you agree to these terms?"  Boromir sighed and said, 

"What choice do I have?"

            "Absolutely none."  We dueled for a while.  I won (with a prize this big, of course I cheated; I enchanted my sword.).  I stumbled out of the room a few hours later.  Boromir was sound asleep; I'd have to find a justice of the peace somewhere.  We needed to get married.   Grace also stumbled out about 5 minutes later, she was panting.  Aragorn suddenly stopped screaming.  I yelled, "took you that long Thalia?"  

"Well he has a sword you know."  

"Why didn't you ask me to enchant it for you?"  Grace looked at me and answered

"Because she didn't think of it!


End file.
